Category Archives: Uncategorized

24 hours into analoctopus

So. We are 24 hours into this whole thing.

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I don’t know… not bad for day 1? My Aubrey Plaza post really helped me out (thanks /r/AubreyPlaza). I still feel like I’m writing to no one though. Getting views is not equal to getting readers. Still a long way to go. I’m in it for the long haul though. Let’s do this thang.

the calm before the storm

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I’m really not sure what’s more amazing: that there have been a substantial amount of ‘anal octopus’ searches since 2011 (well, as i said earlier, that was due to time travel) OR that July-early August 2013 is the first since 2011 where there has been NO ‘anal octopus’ searches. calm before the fucking storm.


just watch it, can’t really title it

watch the video then scroll down

WAIT. Did you actually watch it or are you prematurely scrolling down?

So i’m not going to say i got a full on boner watching this. But i’m also not going to deny that a little blood didn’t flow down there. I got a little chubs that’s all. And at the end… well, there’s no buzz kill like an oh-it’s-a-guy buzz kill.

I know a lot people will say they saw it coming. If you did, well, you’re a better man than i am. I probably should have, but i’m still an amateur blogger so i’ll let it slide.

just imagine if an 8-legged animal could do this

Let’s be serious here.. as an octopus, if i learned how to do this i would go viral. If this guy can do cool shit with two legs, give me 4 hackysacks and i’m going to go tour the world with my own show.

Noww for our next act… the hackysack juggling octopus (drum roll)… ANALOCTOPUSSSSSSSS (the crowd goes willldddddd)

But seriously, if i never blog again, look out for me on tour, because that’s probably what happened.

EDIT: saw this on barstool, gotta give them a s/o

taylor swift on 4chan (yeah right)

now i’m a reddit guy and a taylor swift fanatic. so not for a minute will i believe that taylor swift regularly visits the cess pool of the internet. now, i’m not saying reddit is perfect. but in terms of cesspool-ness i’m pretty sure it goes: barstool, foxnews, reddit, analoctopus, about 1000 miles of shit, and then 100 more miles of shit, and then 4chan, and then 2837 more miles of shit, and then /b/. On the other spectrum of the world, taylor swift is at the top of humanity. So no, i don’t believe the conspiracy, but i’m not going to knock this guys effort… it had me question it for atleast a second.

let’s all take a moment and appreciate how amazing aubrey plaza is

Now even i know that a 10 min video is aggressive for a blog with no following… but aubrey plaza is amazing so i had to post it. She’s pretty, she’s deadpan hilarious, and some of her best shit isn’t even in here. @evilhag… she’s a great follow.

Notes from the video:

  • The rolling back of the tongue… i can do that in my sleep. Maybe that’s because i’m an animal with no bones though.
  • 1:35… octopus boner
  • 1:59… haven’t seen this interview but you know right away that this guy is awkward city
  • deny deny deny
  • 4:58… underratedly funny story… “16” “SHE’S 20 I SWEAR”
  • 7:00… oh here’s awkward interviewer again.. and all of our suspicions are confirmed
  • 7:10… anna kendrick, another amazing woman ill blog about sometime
  • 9:59 to end… basically she’s the most honest actor/actress to go on a talk show ever

how i’m not going to try to make this blog popular

There’s this article that came up about what i’m supposed to do to get more blog hits. Let’s take a look, this should be fun.

1) Effective Content (be a little more broad why don’t you)

If you’re thinking to start a blog – write 10 to 15 great articles first before you publish your blog. When you start promoting your blog readers will have something to see and will find something new to read.

Hmm… definitely not doing that. If i see something i think is funny, i’m posting it. If people like it, they follow me. If they don’t like it, there probably more normal humans and they move along just like 99.9999999 percent of the world. I’m not saving my posts them publishing them all at once. Oh sure, then people would come flocking.

2) Contribute 

There are a variety of ways to contribute. You can:

  • Create videos.
  • Host interviews with successful people.
  • Create pod-casts.
  • Create an eBook and give away for free.
  • Write guest posts on certain blogs.
  • Provide a content-rich newsletter.
  • Develop a series of tutorials that provide great value to the reader.

I may be open to doing some of these things going forward (analoctopus podcast.. i could see that) but definitely don’t need them. I’m contributing my thoughts and my words penned by my eight slimy legs first and foremost. That’s my contribution to the world. And before you say anything, it’s a larger contribution than most octopi give so…

3) Community

The more value you add to your contribution and community – the stronger your blog will become.

Yes brilliant article.. all blogs are trying to build a community. This article is supposed to tell us how to do it. Bitch. Sorry, got a little angry there.

4) Focus on lowering the bounce rate

Isn’t it impressive enough that an octopus can read and write… don’t throw fancy terms at me.

5) Why should I stay on your blog

The only thing I care about is: “If you can help me with my problems?” If you can help me with a problem I am more likely to stay. This is why the top bloggers succeed.

I can’t help you with your problems. I’m sorry. But if i make you smile, maybe i can help you forget about them for 10 seconds.

Woah, that got way too serious and sentimental…  here’s a video of a cat jumping to the song ‘Sail’.

Plain and simple, i’m not gonna try to manipulate you to be here, i’m not going to be conventional. I’m gonna post my shit and that’s that. I hate blogs that have every other word of the article blue so it links to another one of their blogs. And blogs that make you click to a new page for like a top 10 list so they can get more “hits”… ew.

i thought this “octopus can fit through very tight spaces” video might have more of an ‘anal octopus’ component than it did

Best part of this video is hands down at :38, when the guy makes the wedding dress joke. You know he’s not getting it in with his wife for a while. I mean she all like “Heyyyyy” in a kinda mad but jovial voice, but inside she’s all like “Shut the fuck up man” and she’s planning how long she is going sexile him.

As for the actually octopus, not much to say. As an octopus myself, i’ve seen it done many times. Whatever. What I’m wondering about is why they just let it go. So they brought octopus on board the ship, everyone was like “oooooo” (because we are badass), and then it just starts slipping away and then… bye i guess.

i just found the first scientific evidence of time travel

proof bitch

I never believed in time travel. It just never made sense. I mean i can’t even wrap my head around how we hurtle people across the globe in large death tubes, so the concept of ripping a hole in time and just walking through like it’s the entrance to hooters is mind boggling to me. (also, if time travel existed i think i would have had future analoctopus come to me saying “no, stop trying to convince yourself, she really does hate you!!” at least a few times by now).

Anways, this all changed 10 minutes ago, when i stumbled on, what i believe, is the first definitive proof that time travel exists. Now, my god-given christian name is analoctopus and it has been since i escaped the womb. But i never publicized my name, until tonight, when i created this blog. So the only explanation for why, in July 2010, 100 people searched for analoctopus is this: in the future rules the internet. (no, we still haven’t not dropped the by then yet. it was suggested to us by justin timberlake at a dinner meeting just as we were going viral. he said “drop the .wordpress… just analoctopus”, but we decided to stick with it #moviereference #lasttimeieverdoahashtag). So time travel is invented and the first thing people want to do, obviously, is go back to see what life was like in the beginning of the analoctopus-era. So they go, but a little too far back, into, ahem this is where it all comes together… July 2010. When they arrive, they (all 100 of them) search for analoctopus on their iPhone 8s’ to no avail.

I guess i’m open to other scientists cross-examining my data, but it looks pretty rock solid to me.

analoctopus in the news

this is analoctopus? i don't see any octopus at all!

this is analoctopus? i don’t see any octopus at all!

So part of what i’m going to do here is cover news in a hopefully entertaining way. So I thought i’d google news “anal octopus” to see what was happening in the world of eight legged sea animals taking it in the bee you double tee. (side note: i put it into google and accidentally clicked ‘videos’ instead of ‘news’… the thumbnails alone will keep me up at night). 

Did you know that a female octopus can lay up to 100 thousand eggs at once? If you did, you’re either way too knowledgable to be reading this blog or you’re an octopus scientist. This random octopus fact of the day is brought to you by Coke, open happiness. What’s that?? Yup, we got a sponsor on our first blog post. And it’s a big one. Coke. Tried to get Taylor Swift or Apple but they both turned us down. 

Anyways, there was only one result for “anal octopus” on google news and this is what came up. I don’t have the interest or attention span to read about theater in LA, but I assume they have an analoctopus show on right now, so if youre in the area and into that kind of stuff go check it out! Also, if you’re into that stuff, stay away from people age 0-17… and maybe check yourself in somewhere.. for humanity’s sake.

PS. I don’t have anything else to say, but I thought my first real blog should have a PS in it because barstool is the best blog ever and they do PS’s all day err day.