i just found the first scientific evidence of time travel

proof bitch

I never believed in time travel. It just never made sense. I mean i can’t even wrap my head around how we hurtle people across the globe in large death tubes, so the concept of ripping a hole in time and just walking through like it’s the entrance to hooters is mind boggling to me. (also, if time travel existed i think i would have had future analoctopus come to me saying “no, stop trying to convince yourself, she really does hate you!!” at least a few times by now).

Anways, this all changed 10 minutes ago, when i stumbled on, what i believe, is the first definitive proof that time travel exists. Now, my god-given christian name is analoctopus and it has been since i escaped the womb. But i never publicized my name, until tonight, when i created this blog. So the only explanation for why, in July 2010, 100 people searched for analoctopus is this: in the future analoctopus.wordpress.com rules the internet. (no, we still haven’t not dropped the .wordpress.com by then yet. it was suggested to us by justin timberlake at a dinner meeting just as we were going viral. he said “drop the .wordpress… just analoctopus”, but we decided to stick with it #moviereference #lasttimeieverdoahashtag). So time travel is invented and the first thing people want to do, obviously, is go back to see what life was like in the beginning of the analoctopus-era. So they go, but a little too far back, into, ahem this is where it all comes together… July 2010. When they arrive, they (all 100 of them) search for analoctopus on their iPhone 8s’ to no avail.

I guess i’m open to other scientists cross-examining my data, but it looks pretty rock solid to me.

analoctopus in the news

this is analoctopus? i don't see any octopus at all!

this is analoctopus? i don’t see any octopus at all!


So part of what i’m going to do here is cover news in a hopefully entertaining way. So I thought i’d google news “anal octopus” to see what was happening in the world of eight legged sea animals taking it in the bee you double tee. (side note: i put it into google and accidentally clicked ‘videos’ instead of ‘news’… the thumbnails alone will keep me up at night). 

Did you know that a female octopus can lay up to 100 thousand eggs at once? If you did, you’re either way too knowledgable to be reading this blog or you’re an octopus scientist. This random octopus fact of the day is brought to you by Coke, open happiness. What’s that?? Yup, we got a sponsor on our first blog post. And it’s a big one. Coke. Tried to get Taylor Swift or Apple but they both turned us down. 

Anyways, there was only one result for “anal octopus” on google news and this is what came up. I don’t have the interest or attention span to read about theater in LA, but I assume they have an analoctopus show on right now, so if youre in the area and into that kind of stuff go check it out! Also, if you’re into that stuff, stay away from people age 0-17… and maybe check yourself in somewhere.. for humanity’s sake.

PS. I don’t have anything else to say, but I thought my first real blog should have a PS in it because barstool is the best blog ever and they do PS’s all day err day.

test post please ignore

Shamelessly taking the title of the highest upvoted Reddit post ever for my first blog post. 

My name is analoctopus, but you can just call me octopus. (If you ever get on a first-name basis with me, anal is also fine). I’m starting a blog because why the fuck not. I’m a Stoolie first, a Redditor second, blah blah blah blah blah, and probably a blogger last. That’s just for now, we’ll see how this thing goes.